The Beijing Zoo Scandal: Chinese Panda Bitten by Human


Hello fellow pandas, my name is Gu Gu as you may already have heard.  Recently there have been rumors about a vicious human who bites pandas instead of the reverse circling around the panda society.  And yes, that panda who got bitten was me.  It all began on a nice Sunday evening…

I was busy enjoying my one-thousand-and-first bamboo when I took notice of this stupid thing that resembled a human, whom I suppose was a male, staggering towards me with a posture that seemed like how pandas look when they eat more than one million bamboo.  A drunkard, I believe they are called.  I didn’t give him much of a thought then.  Human females and cubs alike, they always stop before my cage and admire me.  That’s because I’m handsome.  Of course I am.  Oopsie! here I drifted away again, let’s go back to the topic, shall we?

Well, I instinctively realized that something was wrong when he started climbing up the railing.  Clumsily and awkwardly, I must admit, but climbing up nonetheless.  Filthy, inferior humans were not supposed to come in here!  They were not allowed to stain my spotless ground with their dirty feet!  Growling, I pricked up the hairs on my back in a terrifying attempt at intimidation.  To my infinite surprise the human didn’t look at least one bit threatened.  Didn’t he see how great and mighty I was?

Suddenly and without warning, that human hugged me with his disgusting skinny arms.  Frozen with astonishment and nausea, I was unable to pull away for a moment.  Then I struck.  Just who did he think I was?  Some specially crafted and tailored little doll, designed for the sole purpose of cuddling?  Or did he… no, I am not gay.

Soon he was severely injured in a pitiful effort to bite me.  I did it!  I defeated him!  And the Olympanda award goes to…

‘Gu Gu!  Stop!’  Who was that?  ‘Hey mister, you really shouldn’t forget that pandas are wild animals…’

‘Wild? … I was livid,’ I thought furiously, ‘personally I would have bitten him harder… would’ve sobered the blighter up…’

I was still fuming the next day, after the zookeepers got the man out, refusing to eat.  But it only served to make me all the more adorable (‘Wow… it’s pouting… so cute!’)

Either way, the next human that dares to intrude my perfect little cell will have consequences.