Write a reply to Pat telling him what you think about his poem. Comment on the things you like about it and what could be improved to make the advertisement more effective.
Dear Pat,
How are you? How are things going in HK? It’s been a long while since we last chatted. Honestly, I’m still adapting to the life here. I miss the days we spent together. Anyway, I’m glad you asked me for my opinions. I’ll try my best to help you.
First, I think you’ve given the poem a suitable title. It goes well with the ideas of the poem. However, it’s not impressive enough to draw the readers’ attention. I advise you to rephrase it as ‘Golden Lunch, Golden Bauhinia’. Besides the title, I suggest having four stanzas instead of three in a paragraph because you can have a rhyme scheme more easily, like AABB or ABAB.
Well…I must say the second stanza has a serious flaw. The content of it is like complaining about the restaurant instead of promoting it. A noisy environment, for example, is something bad, which you should hide. Instead, you should describe a more pleasurable scene, like people having the delicious food or how cozy the ambiance is. I’ve thought of an example for you:
Around the tables
People enjoy yummy food available
Seems like everyone in a nice mood
The ambiance is really good
In the third stanza, it’s better to change the word garlic. You know, the reason is noodles and roast pork are dishes but garlic is not. So, you should replace it with a dish. How about fried rice?
I quite admire you that you’ve used alliteration in the fourth stanza – crispy and crunchy. It sounds so good. For the fifth, I think it is the best in the poem. The scene you portrayed has really made me feel how tasty the roast pork bun is and it demonstrates your sense of humour, which makes the readers laugh.
Overall, I think it is a good poem. To perfect it though, why don’t you try to use more poetic devices like simile or onomatopoeia? I’m sure the poem will leave a stronger impression on the tourists.
I guess that’s what I’m able to offer. Again, I’m so glad that you wrote and even asked for my opinions. I hope you will win the competition and don’t forget to let me know the result. I want to share the joy.
Love,
Irene